*sigh* I havn't feel this bad in so long....well actually I don't recall feeling this horrible. the thing is....well I went away last Friday through the weekend to a cottage up near a lake with friends of mine, they had two little kids. These kids, I gave away all of my 88+ Disney movies to, and some of my childhood toys, only some. As I spent more time up there, at the OK lake, I started realizing so much and it hits me all back with a ton of force like a anvil to the face. Once I came home, I couldn't stop crying.
After realizing everything, I figured out my life will always be a piece of shit, and what was great in my childhood will never happen again, no matter how much I see my family more.
My childhood was around the time of great music (rock), classic movies (ex. the Lion King), going to DisneyWorld, and awsome cartoons (ex. Sailor Moon). From all these things, held precious memories of my life, and it all envolved my family. During those times there were barely any divorces in my family, nice friends, no one graduating, people actually visiting from colledge, and great holiday memories. Now, eversince bad events from the past, it all a impacted on me now. So much, that I regret and miss things so much, that I can't stand it anymore! I just want everything to be back to normal! I want to be young, I want things to be happy, I want so many people to come back. I'm so alone.
If my sister didn't make horrible choices, move out, and not go to school, things would be SO much better around my house. If some of my cousins went to school, got better jobs, they wouldn't be such loosers in the eyes of my aunts, uncles, and parents. I wish some people stayed together, and some would seperate. I wish I made better friends in my past, so I wouldn't be judged now. I just wish...but nothing would, be the same, or come back. My family would always be a dying mess, and I'll always be neglected and be alone in a corner somewhere. Right now, the music, movies, and art take me away from everything, but not far enough...
I think giving away some of my childhood posessions was a big mistake, because they were only thing left of my childhood and held the best memories. I might have 3 large cabnets of photos from back then, but they just bring tears to my eyes. My cousin said in a card a while ago "meeting once a month or less is unacceptable..." he was so right, and that is what it has come down to. I hate it. Why, damnit!? Why does it have to be this way!? and I don't think a hug will heal anything...
You never realize how much your childhood/past impacts on you, it so did for me. But all those harsh words, bad times ruined it, and tore up me on the inside in the future.
I just wish my family was back together fully, I wish everything was better than the shit now. I want MY childhood belongings back! I feel wanna feel wanted again....
not only that....I came with this- I'll never achieve my goals with not much support, my sister and other family members will never come back, no one will understand me, none of my favorite childhood idols (rock & movies) will ever be remembered or respected, I'll never have a partner, and I'll always be alone as my family drifts apart....
nothing will bring ANYTHING for me back....

these songs connect to me the most(please read/listen to all to understand how I feel)~
Will I wake up? Is'it a dream I made up? No, I guess its reality. What will change us? Or will we mess up? Our only chance to connect with a dream. Say a prayer for me! Say a prayer for me! Say a prayer for me! I'm buried by the sound, of a world of human wreckage. In a world of human wreckage. In a world of human wreckage.Where I'm lost and Im found, and I cant touch the ground. I'm plowed into the sound. -Plowed by Sponge[link]
Will I hate tomorrow? Will I hate what I can't see? And I'm doubting. Should I walk around it? Try to be what I can't be. And I'm dying. I'm not happy anymore. I'm just not happy anymore. And I'm drownin'. Suppose you painted the Castle of Auvers. But everything you did came alive. And if you painted all these things just to please me, and if you could read my mind. I would never be happy..." Drownin' by Sponge[link]
Now and forever. The moment is gone, time runs out! Then it hits you with pain. Things are great on the way up, but nobody is with you when you're on the way down. You got what you wished for, is that what you really wanted? That's how I think of you. That's how I think of you, all the way. Well it's raining. It's raining in my house. Indecision.
Problems that took years to build and build. And admission is to far away. Well, life in a blackout is like life in a storm, when you finally come out you see that youre all alone. Well, you got what you wished for, is that what you really wanted? That's how I think of you. That's how I think of you, all the way. Well it's raining. It's raining in my house. This is the day you will break when you're born. Then you have to deal with the blame.The blame. The blame. Well, man, it's raining. It's raining in my house. Rainin' by Sponge[link]
Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here? If I were someone else, would this all fall apart? Strange, where were you, when we started this gig? I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me. Please dont change, please dont break. Well, yhe only thing that seems to work at all is you. Please dont change, at all from me, to you, and you to me... Real World by Matchbox 20[link]
Unsealed, on a porch a letter sat. Then you said "I wanna leave it again." Once I saw her on a beach of weathered sand, and on the sand I wanna leave it again... yeah. On a weekend I wanna wish it all away. And they called and I said that I want what I said, and then I call out again. And the reason oughta leave her calm I know, I said i dont know whether I'm the boxer or the bag.
Ah yeah ehh....Can you see them out on the porch, but they dont wave. I see them round the front way, yeah, and I know I don't want to stay... Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam[link]


that's it....please....what should I do? the past is shredding me on the inside....I just want to be happy, I want my family to be one again. My points seem to never get across...
I think I need help....
but don't worry, this depression won't get in the way of my art...